things are looking up?

After promising myself i would go to bed at a reasonable hour,

here i am. 

it's 1 o'clock and i'm starting a post.

the last time i posted i was a little upset.

to be honest not much has changed. 

but, 

a few things have.

thank heavens.

first of all, at my mom's request, i got put on an anti-depressant.

i wasn't very excited at first,

who would be.

but after being on them for about 2 weeks i feel so much better.

better than i thought i would.

i also got a sleeping pill, which has been SO NICE.

i can't even explain how nice it is to fall asleep really fast.

alright, so i'll start with when everything kinda changed.

on the 13th i got a text from Brie. who i had been thinking about for a while.

she text me and said that the roommates were all going out to dinner for Haley's birthday.

she asked if i wanted to go, and i about lost it.

i had been looking for a reason to go to Logan.

and here it was.

i had an interview at 4 and then i drove straight there.

no one knew i was coming except Brie.

we went shopping with Erik and then went back to the appartment.

the door opens and my other roommate Bre screams. i was expecting to find Haley,

but no such luck.

i start running up the stairs and i see her! 

i run and give her a hug and she starts crying.

i get like 50 points for that.

i was so excited to see her.

SO excited. 

we talked for a bit.

then we went to the awkward stake dance to get Britt, who was also very excited.

then we went to Chili's. 

Classic.

i look pretty scary in this picture.

anyways.

that was so fun. 

it was good to see everyone.

then we saw some people.

it was good to catch up.

Valentines day turned out to be fun. 

i stayed up in Logan, which was a good idea.

since Loni's ex boyfriend decided to take her out again.

i was shocked, but excited for her.

i went to class with Haley, which was so fun.

needless to say i don't miss school.

well....ok. i do miss school.

that was a lie.

then Haley left for her date. 

so me and my date went and roamed around. 

Britt joined us for a while, but she had a date she had to go to.

we got tickets for the Vow, which wasn't that good. 

by the way.

i love this girl.

we then decided we wanted to go bowling, 

it was around 12 and of course nothing was open.

stupid Logan.

we then went to Walmart with Erik and i got Loni a valentine.

i'm the sweetest.

i had to babysit the next morning, so i left Logan around 7:55. 

i said bye to everyone and tried so hard not to cry.

it was a hard car ride home.

i cried for a good half hour of it.

i got dumped by Loni for Broc.

ok, not to be dramatic....but it literally feels like it.

i literally feel like i'm going through a break up.

i've never really been through one....so this is as close as it gets.

and it really isn't that fun.

anyway. i babysat my life away.

not that i hated it, 

cuz i definitely didn't.

i mean look how cute they are!

worst quality ever....sorry.

anyways.

i wasted my time away watching Netflix for the next few days.

i literally watched tv for 3 days straight.

monday i picked Loni up from work,

we went to dinner and watched the bachelor.

i had a minor melt down on the way home from dinner.

i don't think Loni knew what to do.

sorry.

tuesday morning i decide to change my life around.

i got up and work out.

i showered.

i went and hung out with Julie and the kids.

and had an informal interview with Andrew. 

and guess what??

i got hired.

i'm an official employee of Chick-Fil-A.

i'm kind of nervous about it, 

but it'll all work out.

today i also got up and worked out.

2 days in a row, guys.

i'm on a roll!

i showered and hung around while Julie and Crew ran errands and Jada was asleep.

we then met Andrew at Blue Lemon.

holy eff that place is good.

we got free food because we were talking to the caterer. 

she'll probably bill us later.

oh well.

we walked around City Creek for a while.

saw the new Chick-Fil-A.

(my place of work)

and kinda hung out.

i came home and watched the last 3 episodes of Friday Night Lights.

if you haven't watched that show, i strongly suggest it.

it'll change your life.

and make you love football.

that's whats up.

so here's my thoughts for the month.

i can't decide if moving home from Logan was a good idea or not. i miss so many things about it. but at the same time...i don't miss it at all.

i have no idea what i want to do with my life. school? career? 

i have no idea what i'm doing with my job-i don't even know when i start. ha?

and i have absolutely no friends.

well...Loni.

sometimes.

when she's not with Broc, whom i resent. #sorrynotsorry

i just hope everything works out for the best.

its interesting for me to see who has made an effort to be in my life.

it's not the people that i would expect.

i've come to find that some of the people i need live in Logan.

is that i sign??

i've loved getting to know my old friends better.

especially Mckay.

good LAnd i love that boy.

if you ever need a best friends who is the absolute best-find a gay one.

not joking.

i LOVE him.

he says the sweetest best friend things to me.

not to mention he's hilarious.

and he's my sassy gay friend.

so....there's no 1-uping that. 

so anyone who's reading this- i love you.

and you're great.

and i'm sorry you had to read this extremely long, boring post.

but that's my life.

long and boring.

feelings

i've been having a really hard time lately, to be honest.
and i'm realizing i have a hard time sharing my "feelings".
negative ones anyway.
i think it all started when my mom gave me some huge chat and pretty much said i wouldn't be in love until i lost a lot of weight.
that's probably true.
but no one needs to hear that, especially from their mother.
i know she had good intentions, but still, that's not ok.

my decision to come home was a quick one. that i don't think i thought through all the way.
i don't regret my decision, at all.
i just wish i would've thought through it a little more.
i have no job.
i'm not going to school.
i have very few friends,
and nothing to look forward to.
to be honest, it really really sucks.
not to mention the whole my parents don't live together thing, and the fact that my mom thinks i won't get married, throw that all together and its just like....ugh.
i literally sleep till 3 everyday and do nothing.
it really makes me feel so good about myself!!
(no.)
i did however buy a WAY cute shirt today at Target. yeah, it cost me 25 bucks. but it was worth every penny.
i've resorted to wearing leggings everyday, and this super cute maternity shirt.
(don't judge me until you try wearing one. its the most comfortable shirt ever.)

so this is my attempt to "share my feelings."
all i did was sound like a big whiner.
whomp whomp.
my life sucks.
but it really doesn't.
and i think that's why i hate "sharing my feelings" about stuff like that.
yeah, i have stuff to complain about, but who doesn't? other than my parents and my weight, what do i have to complain about?
i have a house, and a nice car, a phone, food, clothes, a shower, a bathroom, a t.v., my cat, my family and Loni.
what else can one person need?
i hate sounding ungrateful.
which, to me, is what i sound like.
so anyways, there's my little rant.

Welcome To the New Year

deep title to bring in my non-exciting blog post.

Christmas came and went. 

New Years Eve was brought in, with a bang. 

i've never had more fun at a NYE party in my life.

between dancing with smoke to "Found Love In A Hopeless Place" by Rhianna

and playing just dance,

getting stuck in the bathroom trying to pull up my tights,

and hanging out with the Gaisford/Cook/Steinman family,

it was so so fun.

My roommate Britt came and stayed with me and Haley,

which was fun! 

but i felt a little awkward.

but whatever. good times.

then came my decision to stay home from Utah State.

i know. 

big decision.

i had been thinking about it a couple days before i was to go back.

i felt sick about it.

there was something so wrong with my decision to go back.

then came the news from my mom.

so my decision was made for me. (by me)

i'm staying home.

i think i tried so hard to want to go back, but my heart wasn't in it.

people needed me here.

i needed me to be here.

for my sanity, as well as my mothers.

so here i am.

back home in SLC.

moving back into my room.

getting rid of my crap i couldn't let go before.

2012 brought on a new me.

a little bit more cynical, a little bit more lost,

but here i am.

i'm almost 20 and i have a 1 o'clock curfew.

better than the midnight curfew i was going to have.

yeah.

that happened.

but i'm not complaining.

well....sort of.

wednesday i moved all my stuff home from Logan.

let's just say it was weird.

i thought it would be different than it would.

but, whatever. 

Loni and David came.

they helped a lot.

i'm glad they were there.

when i got home it took me and hour and a half to move my stuff.

needless to say i was SO sore the next day.

i'm so glad to be out of school.

to be honest, i never felt like i fit in up there.

i think i'm just so different than most people in Logan.

especially my roommates.

maybe that's all in my head.

but,

doesn't mean i don't love and miss everyone,

cuz i do.

but it is what it is.

i hate school anyway. 

the only thing that sucks is the fact that i have to find a job.

ha.

anyway. 

i don't have high hopes for this year.

my family having the problems that it does, 

and my lack of a social life minus Loni and Stacy,

really doesn't help much either.

but maybe that'll be good.

so 2012,

i have low expectations.

the year has just started and i'm ready for it to be over.

#negativeNacy