feelings

i've been having a really hard time lately, to be honest.
and i'm realizing i have a hard time sharing my "feelings".
negative ones anyway.
i think it all started when my mom gave me some huge chat and pretty much said i wouldn't be in love until i lost a lot of weight.
that's probably true.
but no one needs to hear that, especially from their mother.
i know she had good intentions, but still, that's not ok.

my decision to come home was a quick one. that i don't think i thought through all the way.
i don't regret my decision, at all.
i just wish i would've thought through it a little more.
i have no job.
i'm not going to school.
i have very few friends,
and nothing to look forward to.
to be honest, it really really sucks.
not to mention the whole my parents don't live together thing, and the fact that my mom thinks i won't get married, throw that all together and its just like....ugh.
i literally sleep till 3 everyday and do nothing.
it really makes me feel so good about myself!!
(no.)
i did however buy a WAY cute shirt today at Target. yeah, it cost me 25 bucks. but it was worth every penny.
i've resorted to wearing leggings everyday, and this super cute maternity shirt.
(don't judge me until you try wearing one. its the most comfortable shirt ever.)

so this is my attempt to "share my feelings."
all i did was sound like a big whiner.
whomp whomp.
my life sucks.
but it really doesn't.
and i think that's why i hate "sharing my feelings" about stuff like that.
yeah, i have stuff to complain about, but who doesn't? other than my parents and my weight, what do i have to complain about?
i have a house, and a nice car, a phone, food, clothes, a shower, a bathroom, a t.v., my cat, my family and Loni.
what else can one person need?
i hate sounding ungrateful.
which, to me, is what i sound like.
so anyways, there's my little rant.

Welcome To the New Year

deep title to bring in my non-exciting blog post.

Christmas came and went. 

New Years Eve was brought in, with a bang. 

i've never had more fun at a NYE party in my life.

between dancing with smoke to "Found Love In A Hopeless Place" by Rhianna

and playing just dance,

getting stuck in the bathroom trying to pull up my tights,

and hanging out with the Gaisford/Cook/Steinman family,

it was so so fun.

My roommate Britt came and stayed with me and Haley,

which was fun! 

but i felt a little awkward.

but whatever. good times.

then came my decision to stay home from Utah State.

i know. 

big decision.

i had been thinking about it a couple days before i was to go back.

i felt sick about it.

there was something so wrong with my decision to go back.

then came the news from my mom.

so my decision was made for me. (by me)

i'm staying home.

i think i tried so hard to want to go back, but my heart wasn't in it.

people needed me here.

i needed me to be here.

for my sanity, as well as my mothers.

so here i am.

back home in SLC.

moving back into my room.

getting rid of my crap i couldn't let go before.

2012 brought on a new me.

a little bit more cynical, a little bit more lost,

but here i am.

i'm almost 20 and i have a 1 o'clock curfew.

better than the midnight curfew i was going to have.

yeah.

that happened.

but i'm not complaining.

well....sort of.

wednesday i moved all my stuff home from Logan.

let's just say it was weird.

i thought it would be different than it would.

but, whatever. 

Loni and David came.

they helped a lot.

i'm glad they were there.

when i got home it took me and hour and a half to move my stuff.

needless to say i was SO sore the next day.

i'm so glad to be out of school.

to be honest, i never felt like i fit in up there.

i think i'm just so different than most people in Logan.

especially my roommates.

maybe that's all in my head.

but,

doesn't mean i don't love and miss everyone,

cuz i do.

but it is what it is.

i hate school anyway. 

the only thing that sucks is the fact that i have to find a job.

ha.

anyway. 

i don't have high hopes for this year.

my family having the problems that it does, 

and my lack of a social life minus Loni and Stacy,

really doesn't help much either.

but maybe that'll be good.

so 2012,

i have low expectations.

the year has just started and i'm ready for it to be over.

#negativeNacy